There is no secret the last week has been a mental challenge for me. Overcoming this constant buzz of anxiety has been extremely difficult, and I find myself having more bad moments than good. Last week I posted a video on my Instagram story talking about not being ok but needing to know when to ask for help. When I am on a downward spiral the last thing I want to do is feel like I am burdening someone else with my issues. My brain categorizes help with being a burden.
I just feel like I’m letting people down. I’m letting my fitness team down by not being sales-y and selling tons of product this month. I’m letting my friends down by not being mentally present. I’m letting my family down by not contributing to the push to be ready for big life changes ahead. I’m letting my pets down by feeling like I neglect them. I’m letting my coworkers down by giving into my “burned out” attitude that has been developing over the past few months. Of all these people I feel I have let down, the only person I am actually disappointing is myself.
I allow myself to feel like this. I allow myself to cry and rely on other people for happiness. I need to believe I am strong enough to survive because right now that’s all I can focus on. Make it through today in order to see what tomorrow has in store. I am extremely tired mentally and physically. I have lost the ambition to enjoy activities I usually love. I am shutting out the people that truly care about me. I am doing all of those things because I am afraid of not being good enough.
If you told high school me that I would grow up to have an incredible job, incredible family, a 4.0 GPA in grad school, working out for fun, she never would’ve believed you. I was a kid that lived my life unchallenged because avoiding the challenge meant I couldn’t fail. I went through my adolescence coasting by and was a C average student, but as I have gotten older and matured, I realized how bored I was from not allowing myself to see more potential.
I get lost in my thoughts, and I get lost in these ideas I’ve created that I am not enough. Part of me buys into the idea that I will never truly make another person happy, that I will never be pretty enough, that no matter how hard I try I will always let someone else down. I have worked so hard to build my confidence, but these little thoughts are always there chipping away at my masterpiece. Here are the truth bombs:
- I can’t make everyone happy, that’s an impossible goal
- It’s ok to disappoint people because not everyone will like your decisions
- I AM beautiful, strong and intelligent
But saying these affirmations and believing them are two incredibly different things. During an anxiety attack, someone without anxiety will tell you to “not worry about it” or “just breathe”, but at that moment my mind is not being rational. While rational ideas make sense to a brain that is fully functioning, my brain is not always working with the same chemical balance. Some days I can’t seem to buy endorphins to put into my brain. My burnout with life, in general, has made my world unbearable to live in. I am constantly walking on eggshells with myself, just waiting for the moment I have another anxiety attack or crying for no reason. I am exhausted, I am sad, I am angry, I am anxious, but I am not giving up.
I need to realize that the answer is to not suffer in silence. I need to start letting people in and be a part of my world. I need to stop blaming myself for every little thing not going right. Life will never give anyone more than they can handle, and that is certainly true for me. I am just terrified when everything is going to right, that something will happen to take it away. Instead of waiting for life to take away those good things, I self-sabotage to force those things to no longer exist. I need to really take some time to look at myself and realize everything is going to be ok.