I didn’t want to write this because I was afraid of people thinking I’m broken or judging the way my mind works. But in reality I agreed to share my journey and that includes the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have been in a weird headspace for the last week. Kevin is overseas with his family and I am so excited for him and all they will experience together. My mood started prior to him leaving. I think the feeling of loss and missing him and just amplified the problem.
Last night I didn’t sleep at all. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel I needed it, in fact I took melatonin AND Benadryl, as I have done every night for weeks. Usually it helps and I fall asleep no problem. But last night not even the entire bottle would’ve made me sleep. I laid in my bed and was stuck in this place where my brain was looping all of these negative messages and I knew for a fact they weren’t real. At some point the last few days my brain decided that Kevin is dead and he’s never coming home. We talk almost daily and check in with each other, so I know he is very much alive.
My brain does things like that on a regular basis. It takes one thought and runs with it until it debilitating. I didn’t eat anything at all yesterday, I guess as a way to punish myself for the way that I’ve been acting in my head. I ate breakfast today by force, because I knew I had a big presentation at work and if I showed up looking like death my coworker would call me out on it.
I promise I’m not an obsessed girlfriend. I am a girlfriend that has a brain that cannot believe positive messages to be truth. No matter how many times he tells me I am beautiful, I rarely take the message to heart. Since he left for Europe, if he doesn’t say “I love you” enough times in a conversation I assume he no longer does. The rational part of my brain understands that this type of cognitive thinking is not ok. I cannot keep torturing myself, by thinking of the worst possible thing and fixating on it. I am making myself physically sick to the point where I am angry at myself.
Rest assured I am seeing my psychiatrist this afternoon to go over my medication. Since starting lamictal I have noticed slight changes in the “down time” or what I perceive as my level of normal. The change is that those moments actually exist. I have spent YEARS of my life with my brain flipping back and forth between depression/anxiety and hypomanic episodes, and let me tell you that is exhausting. It’s like having the best few days of your life and nothing can take away your happiness, you can accomplish anything. All the way to being in the darkest place in your mind you have ever been, with no hope of things getting better.
I know I need to find my own sources of happiness, and in truth I have those. I have pets that rely on me for everything and I love them more than anything in the world. I have family that I can count on to talk to me and help me feel better. I have friends I can call/text when I need them or if I need to go out and get away from my environment. I have a job that is incredible, and I am in school excelling at a subject that I am passionate about. I love to draw and paint, and find new serial killer documentaries on my streaming apps. I have ways to distract myself from feeling sad and fixating on problems that do not exist.
Now it’s about discovering ways for me to cope. I need to find the right chemical balance that will allow me to have more of those moments of normal. I crave to feel like my head is silent for once, and I can be in control of my thoughts and emotions. I will get better, it will just take some time.