Clarity and Confusion

Mental health has always been something that I am passionate about. I have used my experiences to try to eliminate stigmas that are associated with different disorders. I knew when I was young that I was different from everyone else. I was self-aware that the way I processed emotions and feelings was different from the “average” person. I have had moments in my life where I felt bad for being different, because of the messages I received. I have always hidden away parts of myself, because I didn’t want anyone to worry about me.

In March I made a decision to end a relationship that I was no longer happy in. My decision seemed drastic to some, but I knew that it was for the best. I could’ve gone about the decision differently and changed the method in which I ended things, but I do not regret it. In March I also made the best decision of my life, to follow my heart. I had been mentally separated from my previous relationship for about 6 months prior to meeting this new person, so I knew my heart and soul were ready to love again. However, mentally I am not in a place where I can properly support someone else, and as a result I lost them.

Today I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder. In my previous treatments with mental health I was treated primarily for anxiety and depressive episodes. Right out of high school I was put on antidepressants, which I never felt helped my symptoms. When I discussed this, among many other things, with my psychiatrist, she explained that antidepressants can actually make bipolar II disorder worse, which is why I never felt relief with that medication.

Bipolar is something so new to me, and I am not entirely sure what it entails. I have a treatment plan, I started some medication, and I am following up with talk therapy next week to start that part of my treatment. Bipolar was explained to me as a mental disorder where you experience drastic moods of lows and highs. I have days where I do not want to be on this planet anymore, and I physically hurt inside from emotions. Then two days later I feel like I can take on the world, and I am making impulsive decisions just to feel pleasure. I always thought of these things as two separate disorders, anxiety and depression. What I didn’t realize is that they are connected, and some of my other symptoms are also related.

I know this is a time in my life where I need to be thinking about myself. I need to get better for me. Not for the benefit of anyone else in my life, but because I DESERVE to be the happiest and best version of myself. I have made so many decisions lately that have impacted my life for the better and for the worse. But as my dad told me today, we always make decisions and sometimes we have to live with the consequences of those decisions, but that’s life.

I also need to come to terms that some of the things that I have done over the last few years have not been entirely my fault. I did them, sure, but I didn’t always understand why I was doing it. I just want everyone to know that I am working on it. I’m going to still have days where I am sadder than other days, but as a rule I want to focus on being me. I want to find out who I am and what makes me happy. I am ready to move forward from here and to continue to grow and understand what all of this means.

Author: bbell27

I am a normal 28 year old Midwestern girl living with anxiety. I have suffered from anxiety since I was a child, but only sought out treatment a few years ago when I was unable to function in society. I may seem like I have my shit together most days, but everyday is an adventure and a struggle. This blog serves as a place to put my thoughts and experiences to let other sufferers know they are not alone.

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