My mind feels like a horror movie right now. Replaying the worst parts of my life and constantly reminding me of the bad things that have happened. My brain’s instinct right now is to think of the worst-case scenario and react to life as if that is already the assured outcome. I have been having trouble lately trying to process how I’ve been feeling. I’ve always used this blog as a place to put my thoughts and feelings. As a way to explain why I am the way that I am. I want to help inspire other people to be honest and open with themselves, but I feel like a hypocrite because I also haven’t been dealing with my emotions in a healthy way.
If you haven’t heard, the divorce is final. I can guilt-free move on with my life, and in fact, I have. I have met someone that is absolutely incredible. From the first day we met, I was accepted by him for being authentically me. I have been able to be weird, say crazy things, and share my life views without being judged. This person has added a lot of depth to my life and is the perfect complement to who I am. Our relationship goes both ways, and I love that he is able to be himself around me. I feel like I’ve hidden behind masks for so long and always tried to please people that could not be pleased. I feel a sigh of relief that I no longer need to use those masks when I am around this person.
In opening up my heart and emotions I have been trying to deal with too many issues at once. I am still healing every day from what happened with my past relationships. I am struggling to stay focused at work and it has not gone unnoticed. Work was supposed to be a sanctuary away from what has been happening in my personal life but due to coworkers being petty that too has become a source of stress. I feel like a bad pet mom, and like I am not doing enough for Macie and Herman to help with this transition. I am financially stressed, but the nature of my job does not allow me to have a second job. I haven’t been coaching because I haven’t been doing any self-care. I have struggled to maintain the energy levels to be able to deal with all of these trial and tribulations.
I am starting therapy again on Wednesday with a new therapist closer to where I am living now. I am excited and nervous about this new adventure. I know I need professional help because where my mind is right now, I cannot continue to live this way. Every single day I cry. I cry about everything and nothing all at the same time. I have been pushing people away from me, including Kevin. I am just so afraid that how bad I hurt; I will hurt the people that I love the most.
I am embarrassed by my current financial situation and need to figure out how to live my life again from scratch. I didn’t have the typical undergraduate experience of moving away from home and being on my own. Through my college career, I went from living at home with my parents to being married and not having to take on that financial stress. Everything was always calculated and paid for me, so I am re-learning how to be fiscally responsible. I love to gift people closest to me and it breaks my heart that I am unable to do so.
I have found through all of this that I need to figure out how to self-care. I have not wanted to paint. I have not enjoyed my workouts. I have not wanted to go on new adventures (because every day is a new adventure). I have not been sleeping. I have not been eating well. But most importantly, when I try to do these things, I feel guilty. I feel like I am punishing myself for everything that’s happened and believing that I am the bad guy.
I believe that I do not deserve to have good things. I believe that I am destined to always have people leave me. I believe that pushing people away from me will minimize the pain that I cause them. I believe that I am a bad person. I believe all of these things because I allow myself to. I have accepted in the back of my mind that I am all of these things. I have told myself repeatedly these messages until that was the only truth that I know. I am heartbroken that I have allowed myself to become this way.
I have always been optimistic regardless of how hard life has gotten. I have always had a spark of light inside of me that keeps hold of the person that I want to be. I need to find that light again and I think that is what my frustrations have been focusing on. How am I supposed to believe that other people love me when I cannot love myself? The answer is I can’t. I need to remember who I am and that I am worth it.
My goal for the next week is to find five things each day that I am thankful for and write them down. I am going to start my day with these five things and I am going to repeat them 5 times for every time I tell myself a negative message. I have had people ask me how they can help and honestly, I need to be the one to help myself. This pit of hell I have found myself in is inescapable unless I believe I can climb out of it on my own. I may ask for help and, in those cases, I hope that you help me. I have a lot to live for and fantastic future plans, but I need to get through this. I will get through this.