Decisions, Decisions

I’m going back to therapy kids. 100% my own choice, and absolutely necessary. I was excited a few months ago when I ‘dumped’ my therapist, but I never could have predicted the turn my life would take and how I would react to it. I feel like a complete failure for needing treatment again, but I have a full understanding that this is what will happen for the rest of my life. I will continuously be in and out of treatment programs because anxiety is never truly healed.

I am ready to come clean with a few life events. A little over a month ago I asked Steven for a divorce, make it official. We had some issues last year that was making me question the future of our relationship, and to be honest I felt like it was better to move on than to fix something that wasn’t healthy for either party. There are a lot of people in my life that are unhappy with my decision, but it’s my life and my choice to make. My family is upset with me, I have lost nearly all of my friends, and I lost someone that I relied on for everything.

We got married when we were 22, and to be honest that is really young. I thought back then that I was officially an adult and I was as mature as I would ever be. My mindset back then was not great, and I felt like I needed to rely on someone else to make me happy. I remember when I was 17 in high school, and I made this 5-year plan. I wanted to find a man and marry him. Growing up in a Catholic background, marrying young didn’t seem out of the norm, so this life plan was what I set out to do. We would have been celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary this month.

But through the last year, and through my therapy journey, I realized that something big was missing. I wasn’t able to talk to him about my anxiety and I always felt like I was compromising so much of myself to make him happy. Knowing what he did for a living it was difficult for me to express any negative feelings or emotions because of no matter what his day was automatically worse than mine. I gave so much to him that I absolutely lost every sense of who I was. I had to discover, over the course of 4 years of intense therapy, who I AM.

Decisions like this are not taken lightly. I know many friends and family feels blindsided by what happened, however, you cannot possibly understand the dynamics of every person’s relationships. I would NEVER judge someone for seeking their happiness. I would NEVER be angry or turn my back on someone for a decision they made to improve their own life. For anyone out there that thinks I am just a heartless bitch, you’re completely wrong. If you think I don’t have pain from this, you’re wrong. I have been dealing with so many different emotions for so long, and I finally have had enough.

You cannot possibly make another person happy if you are not happy yourself. I found myself in that relationship being incredibly unhappy. I stopped discouraging people from flirting with me because the attention felt good. I was getting some of my needs met by complete strangers, and I couldn’t even properly communicate how I was feeling to my own partner because our dynamic did not work.

Am I a horrible person? Depends on how close your mindset is. You can see me as a villain because I left a marriage where I had everything. We were building our dream house, we were financially set, we were planning some lavish vacations, and on the outside, we made a great team. In reality, I made the hardest decision of my life to leave all of that behind and go out on my own.

I now live in an apartment by myself in Uptown, where I am solely responsible for Macie and Herman. I lost 2/3rds of the income I was used to having. I have had to learn how to pay bills and set up all of my utilities. I went from living in a house with a decent sized yard to an apartment complex with 70 units and a major lack of grass. I remember the first time I went to Target after I moved out and needed cleaning supplies. I was so used to ordering them from Melaleuca that I wasn’t sure how to even buy over the counter cleaners. It’s those little things that keep me humble and reminds me of the decisions that I made.

My life is slowly adjusting to a new norm. Macie and I go for 1-2 walks every day or travel to a nearby dog park. My work commutes are 12 minutes now instead of 35 minutes. I live 2 blocks from Eat Street, that has tons of incredible restaurants. I am 2 blocks from the Minneapolis Institute of Art, which is one of my favorite museums in Minnesota. I met someone that makes me laugh every single day, and I appreciate him showing me how to smile again. But most of all I have the freedom of independence to make decisions on my own and be my own person.

There are times that I feel so incredibly alone, but I would rather feel that than to hurt someone I care about by lying about my feelings. I know I don’t owe anyone in my life an explanation, so I am not even going to try. There is nothing that I could possibly say that would make the people that hate me feel differently about my decision. Just know that in time we will both be happy, and that life works out how it’s supposed to.

My choice to go back to therapy is to help regulate my moods. Right now, I have been experiencing moments of being really high-highs and really low-lows. When I get into the low emotions, I feel an emptiness that I have never felt in my entire life. Having depressive episodes is terrifying because of the level of pain you experience overshadows anything good happening. I had moments where pain on the outside sounded better than any pain I was feeling on the inside (which is absolutely not the answer). It’s going to be a long road to a full recovery, but it’s a journey I am willing to take.

If you’re someone that is mad, confused, or upset by what is going on, don’t be. Feel free to blame me, but please be respectful of the situation.

Author: bbell27

I am a normal 28 year old Midwestern girl living with anxiety. I have suffered from anxiety since I was a child, but only sought out treatment a few years ago when I was unable to function in society. I may seem like I have my shit together most days, but everyday is an adventure and a struggle. This blog serves as a place to put my thoughts and experiences to let other sufferers know they are not alone.

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