I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again: life never gives you more than you can handle. My anxiety in the last couple of weeks has been pretty out of control. I have been trying to keep a focus on the important things in my life, but often times I find the need to pause and catch my breath in order to continue. I know you’ve noticed my social media silence. I know it’s been blatantly obvious my life has shifted direction. I am not comfortable disclosing exactly what is going on right now, but know that I am ok and will continue to be ok.
I just find it funny how one conversation or a few words spoken can change the entire dynamic of your life. If you think about every decision you make and every opportunity you have to do things differently, but for some reason, you were meant to make the decisions that you do. I have lost a lot over the last few weeks, but I have also gained so many wonderful surprises. I believe most of all in fate. I believe that our lives are pre-planned for us and our fate is sealed. We make decisions and interact with others because destiny decided that for you.
I have spoken about this briefly, but I was raised Catholic. I no longer practice Catholicism or any other organized religion, because there are too many flaws that I am unable to see past. I think if you believe in God and Jesus, and praying is helpful to get you through the hard times, by all means, do that. I think having faith in something is part of what keeps humanity grounded, but there are also side effects to that, both good and bad. In some respects, my outlook on this issue has alienated me from being able to discuss this topic with people close to me, and trust me I get it. I have just found my own source of faith in myself and believe in my ability to be strong and overcome any obstacles that thrown in my direction and I will leverage that strength to get me through every day.
Tough decisions are hard. Sometimes we go through experiences and believe wholeheartedly that our entire world is ending. My inner optimistic voice is what fuels my fire to continue to look on the brighter side. I make the choice every single day to see the good in others, to make an effort to make another person smile, and to focus my energy on activities that promote good in this world. My outlook is what drives every single decision I make. I have learned that some choices you make will not make those around you happy. Sometimes it is worth disappointing people to achieve your true happiness, and knowing someday they will find theirs too. I have found pleasing everyone around me to be taxing and I wasn’t being true to the person that I need to be.
I know that time heals all wounds. I just hope that the people that truly care about me will accept my decisions and just be there for support. You do not have to understand the circumstance or agree with my decisions, but I need to know that the people that I love are there for me through this transition. In time there will be great things that come out of this experience, but I need time to heal and I need time to live in a world where people keep their judgment and opinions to themselves. Trying times are hard enough to come to terms with, but when the people you love most turn their back on you it is absolutely devastating.
My anxiety feeds on the idea of abandonment and being unloved. I am making the choice to not feed my anxiety but to let it starve. At the end of the day, I control my own happiness. I chose the path my life is going to take. I cannot sit around and look for other people to understand because that is an unrealistic expectation, and honestly if you cannot be an empathetic human being then clearly, we don’t belong in each other’s lives.