Happiness is an emotion we should all be allowed to experience. For me happiness means uncontrollable smiling, giggling at things even if they aren’t funny, and just feeling a sense of lightness in every part of my body. But I often find moments in my days where I should be happy and the emotion makes complete sense, but for some reason, I cannot express my happiness. This is likely due to an anxious mind feeling the need to focus on what could go wrong to take this happy moment away.
Think about relationships. When you first start getting to know another person you feel nervous, excited, hopeful, and you cannot wait for a moment until you talk to them again. For an anxious mind, these positive emotions get translated into moments of doubt and panic. Instead of feeling hopeful to see this person again, my brain would obsess over the fear of rejection. Of that person getting bored, or forgetting about me or lying about my importance to them. I do not allow myself to cherish the small moments that provide bliss.
But this goes beyond relationships. These moments of doubt can come along with good news from work, or feeling “lucky”. My immediate mental response is to go on the defense. I want to process what the worst possible scenario could be and what has the potential to take this good feeling away. Instead of enjoying the moment and living in a state of complete happiness and appreciation, I self-sabotage everything. This is one of my most irritating traits and something I am working diligently to improve.
I have always been a believer in fate and destiny. I believe that you meet people at certain points in your life to sever a purpose when they are meant to. I believe we have good and bad things happen to us when it is meant to happen as a way to grow and learn. So who am I to argue with destiny? Who am I as one girl in the entire world to challenge what the plan is for my life?
The truth is being along for life’s ride is a part of the journey we all take. I have lost so many great people in my life to tragedies and time. I have always had a revolving door of friends and relationships come into my life, and I never used to understand why people always leave. But those few connections I have made over the years that continue to stand by me mean so much more than having a whole army of people that mean very little.
I am an optimist by nature and always strive to see the best in even the most toxic person. But the constant contradiction with my pessimistic anxiety is really exhausting. I have purposely driven people away from me if I have even the smallest perception they will hurt me in the future. Instead, I should be living in the moment and appreciating them for what they have to offer. After all, life is too short to not allow yourself to indulge in the people and things that bring you happiness.