Constantly Spinning

I attempted to write this first sentence about 20 times before I gave up because I had nothing witty to say. It’s Sunday night, and I have been sitting here post homework, post-meal prep, post-workout reflecting on everything that happened this week and weekend. I have met some incredible people and made some amazing strides forward in my business, but for some reason, I keep coming back to the feeling of not being satisfied. I feel like no matter how much I push myself, no matter how much I try to look forward I keep shifting my focus back on shitty things in the present.

I always preach honesty and being your authentic self. We all have a tendency to wear masks to fit the narrative that other people expect us to deliver. With friends, I feel like I need to be upbeat and hilarious, ready for anything. At work, I need to be focused and professional while maintaining my sanity. With family, I need to be caring, loving and compassionate, always available to lend a hand when needed. With strangers or new friends, I need to be sweet and open about who I am. In school, I need to be an overachiever, and capable of performing tasks, but fake it till you make it. In all of this, I have a tendency to get lost.

I lose focus on who I am, who I want to be. Last year offered so many opportunities for growth, that I sometimes am not appreciative of how far I’ve come on this journey. January last year I remember still being new to my job, networking at Epic training, and not having any confidence in myself or my ability to be successful. Grad school wasn’t even a thought in my mind yet and my relationships were suffering because my focus was not in the right places. I have gained SO much in the last few months that I feel like that scared insecure girl again.

I am scared my business will fail. I am scared I will not perform well enough at work or school. I am scared of losing people in my life that I value. That bucket of fear inside of my head can sometimes spill over when I am having moments of high anxiety. But living in this world of being scared and putting too much focus on the “what ifs”, does absolutely nothing to propel me forward.

I have a lot of faults that I need to work on. I look to others to make me feel good about myself, but in reality, I am amazing AND beautiful. I put too much focus on being perfect, but perfectionism is not an attainable goal, it’s not real. I always look to my friends and family to make me happy, but my happiness is controlled by me. I spend too much time assuming someone else’s thoughts and feelings, and not enough time analyzing my own.

This year has been challenging for me in so many aspects. I feel like this “new year” has just been a continuation of last year. I am spinning my wheels trying to figure out how to get out of the mud I am stuck in. I decided that I am going to do “Affirmation Mondays” on Instagram. Allow myself to have 1 story post each week where I express what affirmation I am believing in that week. I am going to continue to push hard through my fitness and nutrition to be the change that I want to see.

At the end of the day I control my happiness, I control my progress and I control the way that I feel. To anyone that has seen the ugly side of me lately, I am so sorry. I continuously have so much to learn, but I really am trying. I need to find the balance in a world that constantly tries to spin me out of control. I just need to remember that no matter what it will always get better.

I believe in myself. I CAN do hard things.

Author: bbell27

I am a normal 28 year old Midwestern girl living with anxiety. I have suffered from anxiety since I was a child, but only sought out treatment a few years ago when I was unable to function in society. I may seem like I have my shit together most days, but everyday is an adventure and a struggle. This blog serves as a place to put my thoughts and experiences to let other sufferers know they are not alone.

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