2019 and I have gotten off on the wrong foot. I should probably just completely ignore the fact that this year is different, because nothing has actually changed. We just restarted the process of re-writing dates on all documents, and writing a strong ‘9’ over my ‘8’. I had grand plans of being in such a positive mindset and looking forward to the next 6 months of hard work to hit my major goal, but mentally I am not in a good place and feel sidetracked.
I started the year waking up shortly after midnight to discover I caught the stomach flu. It’s a fantastic diet program if anyone is wondering, but not one I would recommend. I honestly miss my workout routine and I miss my diet, but I do not have the strength or the stomach yet to get back to it. The moments I have been able to be on my phone scrolling through Instagram, I am instantly jealous of everyone having such an amazing time. Working so hard on their goals already, while I lay on my couch trying not to die, and googling how long it takes for muscle atrophy to kick in.
My goals are never just physical though. Of course, I want to look the best I have EVER looked by my 30th birthday this summer, but it’s so much more than that. I want to be overall a better person or what I perceive is me being a better person. I want to have a more positive mindset, I want to have better moods, I want to focus on self-care, I want to reduce anxiety attacks, I want to be able to say no more often. But in my current mental state I can’t focus on any of those things.
I feel like I’m beating myself up. Like I am the reason why the universe actually hates me and never wants me to be successful. I have proof I am the reason that I’ve always given up on everything I’ve ever put my mind to. I just need to focus my brain, but when I go into these downward spirals of hell it can be hard to pull myself out of it. I thought about bringing Macie on an adventure, even though it’s cold, just so I can get outside and breathe again. I miss the warmer months when I could just go for a hike or go sit down by the river and clear my head. I need to find a winter escape place. Somewhere quiet that I can go and be alone and process all of these emotions.
Being an emotional person is the absolute WORST. You either spend your time hiding how you really feel in fear of people alienating you for being emotional, or you just let it all out because you can’t hold it in or you no longer care to hide it. I’m at the point where I have so many emotional walls and barriers up it can be hard to get through them. Processing how I really feel about people and situations is something that feels easier to ignore, but I am actually doing myself and those around me an injustice. For someone with anxiety there is a fine line between being emotionally expressive and having an absolute breakdown, so I need to sort some of that out first.
I just want to be in a place where I can cry when I want to. Where I can call someone when I’m having a bad day and just talk to them. If I’m happy I can tell the world without feeling annoying. I need to find my happy place again. I’m not sure where it went to but I need to find it. I have a few more days until school returns and life gets back to normal, and in those few days I vow to find my positive energy and never let it go.