Life has been insane the last few months with few signs of slowing down anytime soon. Being busy has given me a great excuse to not post an update, but being able to write about my mental health progress is incredibly helpful in my healing process. It comes down to self-care and how we all ignore that when we get busy. Lately I have found myself becoming obsessive over things again because school, work and life have been out of control, I think it’s easier to ignore problems instead of face them.
If you haven’t heard I started graduate school at St. Mary’s University for Project Management on Labor Day. It’s been about 2 weeks of course work so far and I absolutely LOVE the program. The project management career path is full of fascinating information and interactive projects, that it makes me really excited I decided to pursue this as my future career focus. However, as with all education, there is so much homework, coordination and projects to complete my head is spinning. To top that off work has been an absolute nightmare. Between all of the upgrade projects and system enhancements, we have been covering more on call shifts (which we all now I love, insert eye-roll). I feel like I am in a constant state of panic specifically over the things I am not able to control. The need for control has meant I have become obsessive with my school work again, and I’ve been ignoring other parts of my life. I think the difference this time around is I am more aware of the fact I am playing the avoidance game and using school as an excuse, unlike my last program where I had no idea how toxic I allowed my behaviors to become.
Another stressor has been buying a new house. I probably haven’t told you yet, we signed papers last Friday to build our dream house in Forest Lake, MN. I am ecstatic for this next adventure, because the one thing I’ve been seeking my entire life is for a little serenity. I grew up in a neighborhood where houses are so close together you weren’t able to fit a car in-between to get to the backyard. When we move to Cottage Grove there was more side space between houses, but our neighbors are the absolute WORST. Being blessed with the ability to finally build a house that will become a home makes me tear up. This is what all of the hard work and sacrifice has been for, for the last 7 years. While I am super excited about this, I am terrified for what this process means. Selling our current house means packing up all of our stuff, finishing up cosmetic projects, and saving LOTS of money so we don’t end up on a ramen noodle budget in the next house.
Needless to say my anxiety levels have been OUT. OF. CONTROL. I have not been eating well and often find myself forcing food into my mouth so I don’t starve. My workouts have been virtually non-existent due to excuses of “being too busy”, but in reality I have 30 minutes a day I could be on that damn treadmill. I feel like I am constantly on edge and my emotions have been unpredictable. My temperament has been all over the board and find myself happy one minute and the next minute I’m crying. I apologize for anyone that I have been short with or avoiding, it’s nothing personal I just know I cannot give you the care and attention you need at this exact moment in time.
I feel like I need some time to just reset myself and let my brain take a well-deserved vacation. I have always been a person that finds self-care to feel selfish, because I put so much energy into making sure other people are taken care of I often forget about my own needs. This week I vow to take more time for myself. I promise to workout at least 30 minutes a day, eat all of my meals in full, meditate when I wake up and before I go to bed, and spend more time with my dog. Believe it or not, technology has an off switch, so this week I plan to unplug my life for 1 hour a day to allow my body to reset. I believe this will enable me to get rid of distractions (social media) and begin to allow my mind to heal.
Mental health is so incredibly important and something we should not take for granted. Be happy with who you are and take a few minutes to breathe, even if it’s hard.