I have been suffering through more than words can express, for a far longer time than I care to admit. I find myself acting as a character rather than actually being myself. That denial of pain has caused great strains in my closest relationships, and has resulted in needing to increase the frequency of my mental health treatments. I feel broken more often than I am whole. I feel lonely more often than I have company. I have cried more days this week than I’ve smiled. I am so tired of being a victim of my brain chemistry, and I need to look beyond myself for answers.
On Friday I left work early to deal with some personal issues, and thankfully I have a boss that understands the urgent needs of self-care. At that point in time I hadn’t eaten in 3 days and I had slept a total of 5 hours. As a result of all this I am still exhausted, and want nothing more than to take a vacation. I don’t know where my mental health would be without the support of my loved ones, and acknowledgement from others that my condition is real.
Yesterday I was able to run a little over 4 miles, which is something I haven’t done in almost 4 years. I realized this weekend that I need to force myself to participate in physical activities in order to gain anything of value for my health. Sure I would rather lay on my couch and watch Netflix, but feeling the sense of accomplishment I do today is worth it.
Over the last week I’ve learned it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to feel sad, it’s ok forgive yourself and others for wrong doings. We’re all human, and sometimes in order to move forward in life you need to forgive and forget. It just doesn’t always seem fair to deal with so much hardship at once, and see the world pass you by while you deal with roadblocks. But once you get over those hardships, life becomes so much more rewarding. I have a tendency to get stuck replaying things from the past in my head, but no matter how many times I watch my memories, I cannot change them.
As a write this today I am still sad. I still am on the verge of tears and I want to crawl back into bed and never leave it. I make a vow to myself today to just survive, and I make the same vow for everyday here on out. If I cannot control the outcomes I can be in control of my own reactions. Just remember that when you feel alone, there is someone out there that loves you. When you feel overwhelmed, someone is waiting for you to speak up so they can help. When you feel like life isn’t worth living anymore, it is, I promise you. I choose to never give up on myself, because I am the only person in the world I can control. Now it’s just about moving forward, forgiving myself for all the negative things I have done and most of all forgiving others when they have wronged me.
Life is a hell of a ride, but you never suffer alone.