Chaos

As I sit here writing this, I feel like I want to claw all of my skin off. I feel like I can’t breathe and there is something heavy sitting on my chest. I have a lot of pent up anger inside of me begging to come out. My ears can sense the bass of the music and my heart can feel every thump, thump, thump of the classic rock. I can’t get my mind to fixate on something else. I can’t get focus on using another task as a distraction. I can’t hear the TV that I turned up from volume 12 to volume 25. All I can sense, feel and hear is the fucking bass on my neighbor’s music.

All of the windows in my house are closed, so I know it’s partially our fault for having terrible insulation. I understand it’s 4th of July week so everyone is having parties. I know this particular neighbor likes to listen to his 80s rock music on full blast in his garage with the bass up so loud it syncs your heart rhythm to it. I know everyone has a right to do whatever they want (within reason) because they pay a mortgage to live in this neighborhood too.

You know what doesn’t care about reason? My anxiety. I decided to sit in my basement with Netflix playing at a loud volume next to me, and in the room furthest from the source of the noise. I want to cry and stick something in my ear until they bleed (like they feel like they do already). I know my life is not in danger, but no matter how many times I tell myself this it doesn’t matter.

My anxiety does not care.

The long term solution is to move away from this noisy ass neighborhood with all of my inconsiderate hillbilly neighbors, but I need an immediate solution. I keep telling myself that I’m not dying. I have lived through almost 7 years of loud neighbors causing me distress. Work today was absolutely terrible and caused an increase heartrate all day. Working on projects with impossible deadlines and feeling like I cannot control any aspect of that part of my life. But to come home and feel like my world is further in chaos does not help.

Home is a place to come when you need to relax and unwind after a long day of work. Sometimes the home in my mind is an impossible place to be. I just want to be able to breathe again. I want to be able to sit in silence and focus my mind in the proper direction. I need to feel a sense of peace in a world that rarely allows for it. Right now the only release I have is to cry about something I cannot control.

Fuck anxiety.

Author: bbell27

I am a normal 28 year old Midwestern girl living with anxiety. I have suffered from anxiety since I was a child, but only sought out treatment a few years ago when I was unable to function in society. I may seem like I have my shit together most days, but everyday is an adventure and a struggle. This blog serves as a place to put my thoughts and experiences to let other sufferers know they are not alone.

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