Do you ever get this gut feeling of being alone but you’re surrounded by other people? Like you are so far inside of your own mind and emotions, that you have trouble connecting to the world around you? My high functioning anxiety feels like that. I feel like I’m holding onto a secret that the moment I release it I will lose control. The only way for my anxiety to not manifest itself in different ways is to keep it all inside of my brain. But how much pressure can my brain take before it all comes exploding out? I don’t know the answer yet.
The last few weeks I have been living mostly inside of my own head. I am constantly thinking about a scenario that hasn’t even happened yet, but am already trying to problem solve it. Conversations that I haven’t even had with people, but I am creating the conclusion based on what I know about them (or think I know about them). I have a fear of being wrong or of hurting other people, and this fear makes most of these internal scenarios result in a negative response. Why do I do this to myself? Constantly torturing my mind and running in circles with things that don’t really matter? This is one of the most frustrating parts of anxiety.
I have also been unable to relax lately. Everything that I have used in the past, from painting to playing Sims, doesn’t seem to be distracting enough to keep my mind at rest. I have tried boxing, meditating, baths, but nothing seems to be working quite as I would like. The only time I have felt truly at peace is to be outside or going on some grand adventure. The problem with that is also my inability to unplug from my life. I went to Epic in Madison, WI a few weeks ago for work training. I told myself that I wanted to get away from my life and have new experiences with new people. Well mission accomplished. I was a social butterfly and turned into someone I didn’t recognize. When it came time to come back to reality, my brain was waiting for me. With so many more worries, thoughts, and anticipations. So my week-long escape turned into anything but an escape.
At this point I am so exhausted from feeling like a hyped up Chihuahua, but also internalizing all of that energy. What I want is a vacation from life. A moment in time where everything can just stop, and I can let my brain come to some sort of peace. I wish I knew what that would look like so I could make it a reality. I just feel trapped inside of my mind and I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I keep pushing people away from me with the intention of not wanting to hurt them, but in the process that’s exactly what I’m doing.
My therapist told me to try taking Benadryl when I am feeling amped up. He said that many of the one-time anxiety meds are antihistamines, so I thought I would give it a shot. From my own experience I don’t think it helped. All the Benadryl did was made me really tired and unable to function. Don’t worry, my brain was still fully aware of all of the thoughts, I was just physically relaxed. I still refuse to actually medicate, although lately I have thought about how nice it would be to have that escape.
This post turned much darker than I intended, but this is the reality of anxiety. Some weeks I can handle anything life throws at me, and in an instant I feel like I can no longer breathe. Welcome to my hell.